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EbayCon - Laugh now

Oct. 31st, 2004 01:11 pm EbayCon

“I’m sure if I tried really hard I could say it in Swahili.” -Laurie

“Have you ever seen the size of my purse? Jimmy Hoffa’s in there.” -Laurie

“It’s in Jimmy Hoffa’s pants.” -Nick

“We’ve decided that since your car didn’t have any problems before your dad started saying it’s a piece of shit, it’s developed a self-esteem problem.” -Sarah

“Ebay. Human hair.” -Sarah

Laurie: “You take turns. You switch. Like a Mazda commercial.”
Sarah: “Right. Zoom zoom.”

“I think I would rather, like, eat my own sick or something.” -Laurie

(re: Natalie’s car drawing)
Laurie: “Did you say ambidextrous?”
Sarah: “Maybe it’s just bi.”
Laurie: “Well she did say it goes both ways.”

“Your garments will be singed and you will be naked, but there will be no terrorists.” -Laurie

“We need like cross-gender Barbie.” -Sarah

“And Mike looks awfully masculine for a girl named Joe.” -Sarah

“Well, Mike’s not a girl, he’s a guy. And he’s named Joe.” -Natalie

“Puppy puppy puppy puppy dead.” -Sarah

“Don’t we all want to pee on Sarah?” -Heather

“He just loves to be ridden.” -Heather

“Ride me.” -Heather

“Egg plus sperm equals chicken rabbit giraffe.” -Heather

“Would you like paper or plastic with your testicles?” -Heather

“It’s called wild puppy sex!” -Theresa

“I’m a whore, I’ll give it up for anybody.” -Heather

“You’re a good fish.” -Heather

“I’ll need a lot more alcohol.” -Theresa

“< licks keyboard >” -Heather

“It’s not that you’re making typos, it’s that your keyboard is drunk.” -Laurie

#farscape 6 Eel is the bacon of the sea” -the drunk computer

“You did say the dog was the trash compactor.” -Natalie

“Joe Mike the he/she.” -Laurie

Mary: “This is just going down the tubes.”
Laurie: “We started out in the tube.”
Heather: “The fallopian tube!”

“I said dimples!” -Theresa

“The day I can clench my nipples is the day I’m on Letterman making money.” -Laurie

“See what foulness I have to live with? If it weren’t for the cleavage...” -Theresa

“Do you have nipples on tape?” -Heather to Natalie

“And you thought you were done writing.” -Laurie

“I licked it clean.” -Heather

“Get loaded, grab your cookie sheet and go outside.” -Laurie, re: sledding in college

“If you were a chicken with a penis...” -Heather

“It should be if you were the chicken with the strap-on.” -Laurie

”You know that line you’re not supposed to cross?” -Laurie

Rona: “There’s no problem chocolate can’t fix.”
Natalie: “Except for obesity.”
Heather: “Or incontinence.”

“My bare ass hanging out.” -Sarah

“I think I just had chicken sex with your drink!” -Heather

“Why are the pages all wet?” -Rona

“If this was how we did it, I’d be all about the oral because I’m not doing that.” -Rona

“Ew!” -Rona, reading the book

“This explains so much about you to me.” -Rona

“Wait till you get to the puppies and the people. Not together.” -Heather

“That’s a pap smear that’s not going to come out right.” -Heather

“Look, Corde’s in this book!” -Rona, pointing to the umbilical cord drawing

Laurie: “My uncle told his seven-year-old boys to just pull on it till it threw up and then it would go away.”
Gary: “It comes back.”

“Boobs and Snickers, that’s all I need.” -Gary

“Scud muscles.” -Natalie

“Hunter actually wakes up and puts makeup on.” -Heather

“I’ve already had like three drinks! And the keyboard.” -Heather

(re: braless Sunday)
Theresa: “It’s time to let them be free. Let them fly.”
Natalie: “Yours fly?”

“What kind of crappy restaurant is this? I got bread and water!” -Heather

“Forget the plastic shit, I get real food!” -Sarah

“Are you teaching my kids that pizza and turkey are appropriate for breakfast?” -Rona

Kayleigh: “Mommy?”
Rona: “Your sister is nuts.”

“Maybe we don’t want to live in Laurie’s world. There’s a lot of cash but everything else there sucks.” -Rona

“Your syrup bottle is defective. It doesn’t talk.” -Laurie

“I can’t come in today. The plane just won’t leave the Bahamas.” -Cristin

(negotiating dinner)
Bethie: “Deal?”
Rona: “Deal.”
Bethie: “Well, that worked out well!”
Rona: “Sweetie? Heard that.”

(re: the arranged marriage between Hunter and the girls)
Rona: “This is such an open-minded group, I think he can have both of them.”
Bethie: “Yay!”

“I just groped you in public, didn’t I?” -Heather

“I think my tongue’s going to fall out of my mouth.” -Laurie

Sarah: “I’m surprised you didn’t steal anything.”
Laurie: “Pen!”

“I went from teacher voice to enabling thievery.” -Sarah

(re: Legolas)
Cristin: “Look what he can do with elephants.”
Laurie: “I just did really bad things with trunks.”

< playing with Kayleigh and Bethie’s dolls >

“Do the boys’ feet come off, too? Oh, give them high heels!” -Cristin

“That is not right, people!” -Kayleigh, giving the boys their real shoes back

“Crap, I’m a zombie and I didn’t even know it.” -Laurie

“Do you think he’ll fit in a dress?” -Cristin

“I have almost the same shirt. I have to throw it away now.” -Laurie

Heather: “He’s comfortable in his own femininity, what’s wrong with that?”
Laurie: “He’d have to be, with that haircut.”

“Dr. FrankenLaurie.” -Natalie

“I’ll put him in a dress right now.” -Kayleigh

“You’re going to have mutilated Barbie parts all over your house now.” -Laurie

“What is he, a eunuch?” -Heather

“They don’t fit over his big birthin’ hips.” -Laurie

“She’s got an armpit rash, don’t cover for her.” -Laurie

“Now he’s naked and he has no feet.” -Laurie

“I don’t think it would look right on a boy. Though it’d be damn funny.” -Laurie

“I’m demented and you look cool.” -Laurie, comparing hers and Natalie’s dolls

“She’s got the flush for fashion.” -Gary, re: Natalie

Laurie: “I was letting out his inner...”
Sarah: “Drag queen?”

< /playing with Kayleigh and Bethie’s dolls >

“You learn all about these people through geek osmosis.” -Cristin

“It doesn’t work! I have lesbian Christmas lights!” -Laurie

“I’d make a lot of money till the suing began.” -Laurie

< Return of the King >

“And Orlando. He’s just cute. I want to play with him. Teach him things he never knew before.” -Theresa

“I know I’m a little overweight, but this is ridiculous!” -Laurie, re: Sam

“It’ll do wonders for your figure, and benefit the planet!” -Laurie

Laurie: “For some reason he looks better on a horse.”
Rona: “You like your men mounted?”

“Let me handle your blunt blade.” -Rona

“They’d rather be burning that guy, dead or not, than be outside fighting. Cuz I’d be the first to light a match.” -Laurie

Rona: “I thought he wasn’t dead.”
Everyone: “He’s not.”
Rona: “Man, Daddy is bent!”

“I have cramps, I can’t fight today.” -Laurie

“Hobbit Power!” -Sarah

“That’s it, I’m getting a job at Ringling Brothers.” -Laurie, re: the oliphants

Rona: “Why do the bad guys always get the big animals?”
Laurie: “Because they’re the ones with genetic mutations!”

“Girls kick *ass*!” -Theresa, during the Eowyn scene

“Every self-respecting villain should have shrubs.” -Rona

(re: Frodo)
Laurie: “You’ve been eating the fireplace again, haven’t you?”
Sarah: “Stop looking for Santa.”

Sarah: “Where do the eagles come from?”
Natalie: “Eagle mommies and daddies.”
Sarah: “Is it like the chickens or the puppies? I’m thinking chickens because of the wing thing.”

“Hobbits are obviously inflammable.” -Laurie

“They’re like the two Ivans.” -Rona

“Eowyn says ‘damn, you can have him, I’ve got *this* king!” -Sarah, re: Arwen and Aragorn

“We’re taller than everyone.” -Natalie, re: the hobbits

“Whose idea was it to watch this damn movie?” -Theresa

Sarah: “The easier question is, raise your hand if you’re *not* crying.”
Natalie: “Who in this room is soulless?”

< /Return of the King >

Laurie: “I want an Irony Barbie. Where she’s flat-chested and flat-footed...”
Corde: “With an ass the size of Wisconsin.”
Laurie: “No interest in Ken.”

Laurie: “No interest in Barbie at all.”
Rona: “But he finds GI Joe strangely attractive.”

“Ken and the angry inch.” -Corde

“You look at Peter Jackson and you think, there’s a guy who talks to himself.” -Corde

“It’s cold there. They cry ice cubes, for Chrissakes.” -Laurie

(re: Kayleigh’s pajamas)
Corde: “Oh, when the monkeys go marching in...”
Natalie: “Does that mean the monkeys are dead?”

Corde: “I was in Canadia this morning!”
Sarah: “They don’t have snark there?”
Corde: “Yes they do!”
Laurie: “But it’s not worth as much with the exchange rate.”

“Mooses don’t moo.” -Natalie

(re: Corde’s hand gestures)
Corde: “This is when you have hijinks in the car?”
Sarah: “Then you only use one hand.”

Natalie: “What happens if you have hijinks with no hands?”
Sarah: “You start using other body parts.”

“It was a hodgepodge of culture and I’m surprised I survived.” -Corde

Corde: “I’m only funny with you guys around.”
Rona: “And you do it so well.”
Corde: “< airquote > Thanks. < /airquote >”

Corde: “It’s Canadian. It’s Inuit, actually.”
Laurie: “It’s drunkenness.”

“Oh, and I totally forgot to tell you how I fell down!” -Corde at the end of her story about how she fell down

“I tried to make her do the Macarena and her arm fell off.” -Natalie

Corde: “I thought it was two different animals and they...”
???: “Where’s the book?!”

“Give birth through Heimlich.” -Corde

Corde: “Somebody tell me what to do.”
Rona: “I have a list!”

“Pin a big note to your shirt saying if lost, please return to...” -Sarah

Laurie: “Pretend you’re a teenage boy. 87” of underwear.”
Rona: “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

“I pledge allegiance to the floor...” -?

“I want to eat the Flash.” -Cristin

“When the doctor said why don’t you cut down on carbs and I said why don’t you bite me.” -Corde

“I have four arms but two of them are really short.” -Laurie

“I have to get my shoe so I can empty out my pockets.” -Corde

Laurie: “Wow, you’re going to get carpal tunnel from Scapers.”
Corde: “My mind went to a totally wrong place with that.”

“I don’t have anything that matches. My eyes are the same color.” -Corde

(going through Laurie’s jeans)
Natalie: “The back pocket?”
Laurie: “Yeah the... Not the passenger side.”

“Detangle? What? No, detach!” -Laurie, re: her hair

Laurie: “My pants are coming off. You need to leave.”
Corde: “I’ve heard that about you.”

“I would be a half-Laurie, half-pillow.” -Laurie

Cristin: “I want twins. At the same time.”
Sarah: “They generally come that way.”

“Do they want my eardrums to bleed? Is that their goal?” -Laurie

“Why are you looking at me like you’re sad I’m this way?” -Laurie

“We’re getting married, we’re getting married...” -Hunter and Bethie

“I like gathering with Scapers.” -Kayleigh

Laurie: “It’s time to sleep.
Bethie: “Hey, I’m married to him!”

“Concept, yes. Lyrics, no.” -Laurie, re: Bethie’s song

“Hey, your husband’s stuck in the bathroom.” -Laurie to Bethie

“It’s hideor. Hideor? Hideouser.” -Gary

“You too can make children laugh on command.” -Cristin

“Be nice, kids.” -Hunter

“Crash, boom, 87 dead.” -Laurie

“She’s got a gigantic head but at least she’s wearing underwear.” -Corde

Corde: “She’s got very pretty makeup.”
Laurie: “I’m sure people say the same thing about hookers.”

“She does look like a college student. She needs to be shot.” -Corde

(from across the house)
Rona: “Kids, no more hitting!”
Kayleigh: “Okay!”
Heather: “Actually, that was me.”

“You know what that needs to be funny? Crack.” -Corde

“I even backed up my porn.” -Cristin

“He’s a good girl.” -Sarah

“We have an accomplished cross-dresser.” -Corde

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